


Go back

by SuperMazeWolf



Series: Tortured and saved prompts [3]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Iron Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bucky Barnes & Tony Stark Friendship, Depressing, Eventual Happy Ending, Guilty Steve Rogers, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Not Really Character Death, Steve Rogers Feels, Suicide, The Author Regrets Nothing, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark commited suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-22
Updated: 2016-05-22
Packaged: 2018-06-09 23:15:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6928186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuperMazeWolf/pseuds/SuperMazeWolf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony Stark commited suicide on April 24th.</p><p>Supposedly.</p><p> </p><p>And Steve left voice messages.</p><p> </p><p>But there's a small chance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I just...
> 
> I REGRET NOTHING.

" _Hey, Tony. I... Sorry, I really don't know what to say or do, I'm kind of... No, forget it. You know, the director said that your body was never recovered, but it was c-confirmed that you shot yourself in the head that night, right?_ " A pause.

_"God, sorry, I'm- I'm a fucking mess right now._ " Unsteady breathing. " _I really miss you, ya know? It feels like I lost Buck, but- but it's worse now. We- If I don’t find your body, I'm... God, I'm a fucking idiot, if we don't find your body, I'll- I'm gonna believe that you're alive somewhere. I love you, Tony._ " 

Recorded April 24th. 

BEEP. 

" _Hey. We haven't located a body yet. I'm kind of surprised. The public knows, you know? They- they caught on really... God, sorry, I can't stop crying- They caught on really quick._ " Unsteady inhale, sobbing. 

" _I can't- I don't want to do it, Tony, I really- I just miss you. That's fucking- God dammit!_ " A crash. " _I love y-you Tony._ " 

Recorded April 27th. 

BEEP. 

" _God, I can't- Fuck, fuck, fuck! G-God, sorry, fuck. They found the gun, Tony, but not your fucking body! I- I need some kind of a confirmation, but they're not..._ " A strangled cry, strained voice. " _You- I miss you. I miss you, I MISS YOU so fucking much. God, I can't- can't do this._ " Choking breath. 

Recorded May 1st. 

BEEP. 

" _They found traces of your blood. Not a body. God, I'd do anything to just SEE you. Fuck, FUCK. Sorry, sorry, God, can't do this. I love you, love you so much, I miss you. Please- God, I love you._ " 

Recorded May 2nd. 

BEEP. 

" _Hey, Tony. They found your armour near the blood. It- It wasn't crumpled or damaged, Bruce said that you- you probably exited the suit on your own terms. Makes- makes it a lot harder._ " Unstable breath. 

" _You know that I love you, right? Course you do. And- I won't stop until the body- you're found. I love you, so fucking much. I love you._ " 

Recorded May 5th. 

BEEP. 

" _Hey, Tony. There was another raid in New York. The team handled it pretty well, but- but your absence was pretty clear. We didn't have a rambling genius at our side._ " Sobbing and chuckling. 

" _Fury said that- that your body is probably... God, that you were probably taken by H-HYDRA or somethin. Wanted to punch his brains out._ " Gentle breath. " _I love you, darling._ " 

Recorded May 8th. 

BEEP. 

" _Hey. The team stopped searching for you. They lost hope. But I'm gonna keep looking. JARVIS decided to help._ " Long pause. " _I'm not gonna stop until I find you, Tony. Never. I love you._ " 

Recorded May 10th. 

BEEP. 

" _It's been a while, huh? Time flies. It's, what, I think it's May 21st. I think I'm getting closer to you, search wise. Natasha and- and Clint joined me in the search, hell, even Buck joined. He wanted to find you, you know, he felt almost responsible, as he said._ " Pause. " _I love you, Tony._ "


	2. Chapter 2

BEEP.

" _Hey, Tony, we located you. It's almost impossible to get in, but we're trying every day. Ya know, I think I'm finally ready. My breakdowns have stopped recently, and I'm feeling a bit... Better, I guess. I still miss you, a lot, but- but you know, maybe. Maybe I can survive, I think I'll be able to live. I love you, Tony._ "

Recorded June 27th.

BEEP.

" _You know, there was another attack today. We handled it pretty well. I miss you. We're getting closer to the room you're supposedly locked in, but, you know, it seems impossible. It's hard to explain, there's like a magical barrier or something surrounding it. Although, as you always said, it's probably undiscovered science._ " A pause, sigh. " _I love you, Tony. I'm ready to face you, it's just... It's taking a bit too long._ " 

Recorded July 2nd.

BEEP.

" _Hey, Tony. God, I'm gonna-gonna sound pretty terrible._ " Quiet sob. " _You know, I just- I just had another breakdown. I don't know why, just... I can't do this if it's taking this long. You know, they keep saying that they're getting closer, Tony, but- but there's no progress. I'm just fucking scared, you know? I- God, Buck's keeps insisting that I be there, and I know he's right, but I just... Just can't. I love you._ "

Recorded July 3rd.

BEEP.

" _Hey. It's July 4th. You know, I just remembered the first time I spent my birthday with you as- as lovers. I had fun, really, actually smiled. I decided to go to the site where you're supposedly at. Bucky gave me a small pendant as a present, told me happy birthday and clapped me on the back. I appreciated the thoughts, but... You know, we're getting closer. Bruce's researching with JARVIS and the whole of SHIELD is working to break the barrier down. It's getting a bit weaker._ " A pause. " _I love you._ "

Recorded July 4th.

X

One.  
Two.  
Three.

Calm.  
Down.  
Steve.  
Breath.

"Steve." 

Breath.  
Breath.  
Breath.  
You're ready.  
Ready.  
Tony's in there.  
_Ready._

"Steve, I'm right behind you, go," Bucky said quietly, gently pushing Steve towards the opened door. "Go."

Go.  
Walk.  
Walking.  
Shit.

X

Beep.

"Tony?"

Beep.

"Tony? Please...?"

Beep.

"What's wrong with him?"

Beep.

"Emotional trauma, his injuries, I don't know, sir. You need to leave the room."

Beep.

"But-"

Beep.

"Sir, surgery needs to go under way immediately. I'm sorry."

Beep.

X 

-happening again. Make it stop. Pain. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Go away. Away.  
"Sir, he's going into shock." 

Stop, stop, stop, _don't touch me,_ hurts, everything hurts, my head- _MY HEAD-_

"We need to remove the bullet before the infection spreads, hold him down!" 

Hurts, hurts, hurts, ow, ow, OW! 

Tony yanked against the doctors, letting out a gruesome cry. His head, fucking hell, _his head hurt so much,_ his chest burned and everything burned- 

"HOLD HIM DOWN! IT'S ALMOST OUT!" 

Stop, stop, stop- Tony screamed and flailed, his breath stopping momentarily as something clicked.  
"Sir, he's not breathing!"  
"Give him a moment! I just took a damn bullet out of his head! The injection they put in will help!" 

Hurt, hurt, hurt-  
Everything went black. 

X 

Steve entered the room. Trembling. 

Oh, God, Tony was alive. 

He couldn't hear anything, couldn't hear Bucky, couldn't hear Natasha or Clint or Bruce-  
"Tony," he choked out, lifting a shaking hand to push hair back from the man's face, "Fucking- God, _Tony._ " Everyone left him then, let him kneel next to the bed and stay quietly by himself. 

\- 

Corrupted file recovered. Playing recording. 

BEEP. 

" _Hey, Steve. I- I guess I should leave you somethin, right? I mean- I, well, I just wanted to tell you that none of this is your fault, okay? I know you blame yourself for everything, and, well, this is something I'm doing because I want to. Nobody forced me to leave this message, if you're wondering. I just- I really do love you, Stevie, it's just- Just... All of this, this whole reputation, this life I'm living, it's a bit too much for me. I'm being selfish, just copping out like this, but I really can't, Steve. I just can't. I tried not to, I tried therapy, I tried friends, I tried sex and alcohol and pills, I've tried everything, but it's just not helping. Only you seem to help me, Steve, but I can't put the burden on you. Can't make you carry this when it's my fault._ " A pause. 

" _I wanted to let you know that, no matter what, this isn't your fault. I love you, you know that, right? I love you so fucking much it hurts me to see you carry it with me. I know that- that if you don't recover my body soon enough, someone will take my body. Take my suit. But it really doesn't seem to matter right now. I just- just- Steve, I love you, okay? We'll see each other one day, maybe. If there's something after this, who knows, heaven might even exist, and I might be lucky enough to enter the gates, if I do, I'll see you. I love you- God, I love you._ " 

Recorded April 24th. 

\- 

Steve gripped Tony's hand tightly, ran a hand over his body, his face, God, he was alive.  
The corrupted file had been recovered the day Steve managed to haul Tony's half-dead body out of the barricaded room.  
It was discovered that HYDRA had found him and taken him for experimentation, revived him and tortured. 

It made it worse. So much worse. 

But Tony was alive. 

X 

Hurt. Hurt. Hurt- Warmth. What's happening? Warmth, warmth, _warmth-_

"He's waking up!"  
"Get the shot ready. Inject it if he tries to run." 

Tony's eyes flew open, and the first thing he saw was a man, someone so familiar-  
"St..." His voice stopped midway, and suddenly he jerked. 

Hurt, hurt, straps, not again- don't let it happen- No, no, NO- 

"Tony, please." Hurt, hurt, hurt- "Tony, you're safe. It's okay." Warmth.  
Tony's eyes rolled over to look at the man again.  
Stevie. Steve. Steve Rogers. Steve- 

Tony shook his head, squeezed his eyes shut, God, everything was too bright, too sudden and everything _hurt-_ "Turn the lights down." Not too bright anymore. He opened his eyes slightly, just a slit, he was scared. 

Stop, stop, stop- Warmth. A hand on his chest, pressing reassuringly, a hand on his cheek, stroking.  
No pain. Didn't hurt. Warmth.  
"There you go, Tony. It's okay, I got you." 

Steve. 

"Hurt," Tony rasped out, eyes widening suddenly, "Hurt, hurt, hurt- Make it stop-"  
A hand on his face, calming him. "Tony, what hurts?" 

His chest. His head. His eyes. His legs. His arms. His back. His feet- "Everything hurts, make it stop," Tony whispered, strength leaving him. "Make it stop." 

Steve put a hand over Tony's eyes. "Tony, it doesn't hurt."  
Doesn't hurt, doesn't hurt-  
It didn't hurt. 

"Tony, sleep. I'll be right here, okay, love? I'll be right here. I love you."  
Need to- need to say-  
"Love-" Tony's arm went slack.

X 

Tony woke up weeks later. 

Steve was next to him, holding his hand. 

"Had a dream," Tony whispered, making Steve lift his head and stare. "What dream was it, Tony?" Steve coaxed, rubbing the back of his hand softly, "Was it a bad dream?" "Yeah," Tony muttered, wincing at the pain in his head, "Was back at HYDRA, back-" "You're not there anymore, it's okay," Steve said, pressing a kiss to his forehead. 

His lips were trembling. 

"Sorry," Tony said suddenly, squeezing his eyes shut, "God, that was st-stupid, sorry-" "Tony, it wasn't your fault," Steve whispered, putting a hand on Tony's cheek, "Wasn't your fault, okay? It wasn't..." 

Fuck- God, it was all _too much._

"I love you," Tony choked out, "I'm sorry." Steve shook his head. 

"What did they do to you?" He heard Steve say, barely audible, "Can you explain?"  
Tony closed his eyes and explained. 

\- 

_Tony was in a dark room. Blood dripping down his face. God, everything hurt, it felt awful. He was in a chair. Strapped down. Men in white standing around him, hooking him to machines and wires. "Wh-" Someone broke his finger for speaking. Discipline. Tony didn't make a sound. He knew that he would suffer if he spoke. Everything hurt, and he heard a click, and then the pain exploded._

_Everyday went like that. Jerking in the chair, just feeling pain, something in his brain constantly bugging him, but he couldn't fall unconscious. Something was keeping him conscious, maybe a chemical or something, but God, he'd do anything to attempt to kill himself again. Death and infinite darkness seemed better than the torture._

_The men weren't torturing him for information, they just wanted to see how long Tony would last._

_It hurt._

\- 

Tony was in the hospital for a while. He couldn't talk to other people, was too scared. Steve was the only one who he believed. Steve was always Steve, never anything else. 

Steve was Steve. 

And now, he looked at it, looked at the situation, if he could... _Go back_ , he wouldn't do it.  
Because Steve cared too much.

**Author's Note:**

> See ya soon.


End file.
